Quick: over the last two weeks, how many minutes did you spend on average making and eating a meal? Quick: over the last two weeks, how many minutes did you spend praying at any one time? I'm betting you don't know the answer to the first question but you have a good idea about the second one.
I'm guilty of that too. Why do we take something as important as making and eating meals for granted but are so very aware of the time we devote to prayer? God isn't sitting there with a stopwatch saying, "OK, you've got 17 minutes. Aaand-- go!" But we tend to time our prayers. Yes, we need to carve out time for prayer and pray at certain times. But how long you pray should be dependant on what you need or want to say.
St. Benedict recommended saying short prayers frequently. Yes I have my formal prayer times but I also take a minute or two now and again to ask God for something or just to say hi or thank you. I don't keep track of how many of those prayers I say in a day or how long I pray each one. But I can give you a good idea of how long it takes me to say each of the hours of the Divine Office.
Praying should be like what the Mad Hatter told Alice in Alice In Wonderland when she told them her story. I don't remember the exact line but he said, "Start at the beginning and when you come to the end, stop." Pray as long as you need or want to. It doesn't matter if it's a quick prayer or something longer. It's the talking to God that He cares about.
A couple of things have happened lately that have reminded me that God works in His own time. He knows when we're ready for something to happen. We may think we're ready but sometimes there's something missing, something that would detract in some way from us getting the full benefit of whatever it is He has planned for us.
I was told quite some time ago by someone very near and dear to me that she strongly suspects I'm high functioning autistic. Back in the late fall of 2023 I tried doing an internet search for high functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome. Everything I found simply said that those two were now part of autism and proceeded to explain what autism is as folks like Dustin Hoffman's character in the movie Rain Man experience it. That was extremely not helpful.
A few days ago I tried doing an internet search again and this time I found a great article. It was amazing how well it described me, described things that I do and experience that aren't explained by my bipolar disorder or any other diagnosis. As I read the article I felt at peace about it. Looking back, if I had found that article earlier I might have resisted, said yes it describes me but I'm not ready yet to identify as autistic.
The article had a link to an autism website that had a test to help determine if you're autistic or not. I know you have to be vey careful about online tests like that but this one was based on a test that is actually given to folks who might be autistic. And the site wasn't trying to sell something or had any alterior motives. So I took it and discovered that yes, I'm most likely autistic.
The site said something that would have turned me off a number of months ago. They said that yes, autism does define us. That came as a shock. A number of support sites I've been on for various things have all said that whatever it is we were there for doesn't define us. Then I realized what they were saying. Autism defines us but the important thing is it doesn't limit us in the sense that we have to put ourselves in a box and say, "I can only do these certain things because I'm autistic." Yes we have limitations but everyone does. I'm probably not making much sense here but the takeaway is I had a paradigm shift in my thinking.
Another thing that happened just yesterday was I was running low on money. I had enough to get me through the rest of the month but things would be tight. I noticed on Bing that right next to my rewards points was a dollar figure. I had figured that was a scam, that I would have to do something to get that money. But I decided to check it out anyway. Long story short, it wasn't a scam. So now I have a little more to put towards groceries this month. As early as the beginning of the month I would have considered it found money and done who knows what with it. But God pointed me to that money at exactly the right time.
Sometimes it feels like God is simply taking His time to answer our prayers or to show us the next step. But in reality He's saying, "Not yet, be patient just a little longer." If you're not getting a definite no from Him, it just may be that He's saying wait.
I was born and raised Catholic. But I was never one of those kids who was very into my religion. I believed and all but I had some serious issues with Christianity. See, I was told some very wrong things in religion classes. For example, I was told that when you were excommunicated you weren't allowed to set foot in church again unless you had it reversed, and that was statistically unlikely. I was also told that God sent things like natural disasters to punish people. The older I got the more I couldn't reconcile those things with what I was also taught was a loving God.
I tried going to a youth group meeting or three but everyone was on a completely different level spiritually than I was. I did enjoy Young Life in high school but even then I was a lukewarm Christian. I joined the church choir after graduating high school. That helped for a time but eventually I got to where I was just singing songs on Sundays, not really worshipping. Eventually I started skipping Mass altogether. It was a short trip from there to full-blown Atheism.
I was an Atheist for quite a number of years. I saw the Bible as simply a book of Judeo-Christian mythology. Every culture has its own take on creation and religion and I believed this was just another example.
Fast forward to 2007. I was living at the Salvation Army. I decided to write down once and for all what I truly believed. When I was finished I realized that it sounded very close to Christianity. There was a van that came to pick anyone up for Sunday service who wanted to go. I went once or twice but I still had some issues with Christianity as I knew it. So that didn't last long.
Some months later I got to thinking about my life and how things just happened to fall into place at just the right times. If all that was simple coincidence then I should go to Vegas and put everything on green 00 on the roulette wheel. No one could be that lucky. I saw God's hand at work the whole time.
I tried going back to Mass but those issues I had were still there. I stopped going altogether for a long time. Eventually God stepped in once again and I started going to a Baptist church. That filled my spiritual needs for a while but there were some things I missed about the Catholic Church. That wasn't the place for me either.
In 2020 I talked to my sister about why I wasn't going to Mass. She told me that I had been taught wrong information and told me the right things. So once again I went to Mass but this time, seeing it through different eyes, I actually enjoyed it. I was home.
The more I went, however, the more I realized that I wanted more than just going to church on Sundays, singing in the choir, and cantoring once a month. I wanted something deeper. I looked at the Secular Franciscans but something in me said hold off, not just yet.
One Sunday some folks put books in the church social hall. I took a look, not quite knowing what I was looking for or what I expected to find. One book jumped out at me: Praying With Benedict. It was like a bad B-movie mystery. It was almost highlighted for me. So I picked it up and read the back cover. That sounded interesting. Then I found another book the same way.
My sister said that if I was interested in that then I should talk to the Benedictine Dean of our local Deanery. I knew her from choir so I talked to her. The next choir rehearsal she brought me some information about the Benedictines and invited me to their next meeting.
At that first meeting I felt like I was home. I had finally found what I had been searching for. I officially became an Inquirer after that meeting. That was in 2021. In May of 2022 I became a Novice and in May 2023 I made my Oblation.
There are some things I've left out but this is my spiritual journey in a nutshell. So for those of you who are worried because your kids are falling away from the church or have stopped going altogether, there is hope. God is still working in their lives, just like He worked in mine the whole time. Give them some space but keep praying for them. One day they just may surprise you by not only coming back to church but going farther in their spiritual journey than you ever expected.
I've given up trying to figure out what God has planned for me. Every time I think I know what He's up to He goes, "Nope, sorry, try again." Oh I can get a vague idea of what He has in store for me. Right now I think He wants me to share my experiences and thoughts on religion with others. But you know what? I'll let Him decide and tell me in His own time.
Sure, I could spend a lot of time trying to figure Him out. But why? I'll know when He decides to tell me. In the meantime I'll just pray and do what feels like the right thing to do. Otherwise I'm spending good energy for nothing. Not that knowing God's will for me is nothing, you understand. But trying to second guess Him is a sucker's bet. You could cover every bet on the roulette table and God would make the ball bounce off the table. Cover that possibility and He'll turn out the lights.
"Don't get cocky kid," I can hear Him say. I can understand why too. Can you imagine what I would do if I knew exactly what He had in store for me? I would live my whole life working towards that and nothing else. I'd be missing out on so much. He didn't just create the universe, He created life. Not just life as in things are alive. But life as in the indefinable essence of living. Why drive up the mountain looking at just the road ahead of you? Look at the trees and other things growing on the side of the road. That's what life truly is.
It's an experience, not a destination or even the trail we follow. It's the birds flying overhead, the stream running to our left, that odd "I don't know what you call it but isn't it pretty" thing up ahead. I don't need to know my destination, all I need to do is enjoy getting there. And you can't do that with blinders on.
Go ahead, define the sunrise. And I don't mean in scientific terms either. You can't. You have to say how pretty it is, how it makes you glad to be alive. "Pretty does not compute. Glad to be alive does not compute. Illogical." Yeah well someone forgot to tell that to God. See, that's what not knowing his plans for me in full is like. I get to enjoy the sunrise without having to define it and how it fits into my life.
After all, His plans are a big part of my life. I'd say they are my life but that's not entirely true. How can you live out His plan without having the experiences to get there first? "Write a book." OK God, about what? "Write a book of poems." Can do, will do, done. Hmm, what do I write about? My thoughts and experiences of course. Of course I'd need to have some thoughts and experiences to write about. And I can only do that by living a full life.
So don't worry about trying to figure God out. His plans are on a need to know basis for you. Yes, always try to discern His will for you. Should you do this, does He want you to do that in this particular case. But His plans? Nah. Let go and let God as they say. That's what He wants after all.
I was lying in bed Friday night and I started thinking about all the ways I had screwed up lately. I was really getting down on myself. Then for some reason (God at work actually) I started thinking about puzzle pieces and how I was one of those really weird shaped pieces that wasn't like any of the others.
God intervened then and I had an epiphany. I'm not so weird after all. Each one of us is a hand crafted puzzle piece specifically designed to fit into a very specific spot of the puzzle of humanity. There are over 8 billion of us right now and who knows how many people have lived before us. And everyone being born is unique too. Imagine it, God not only designed the entire puzzle from Day 1 to Revelation but he continues to add new pieces every second.
How many of us think if people really knew all about us, they wouldn't want to be around us because we're too different in some way? We spend so much time trying to be orange pieces when God didn't create an all-orange puzzle. His puzzle is vibrant, with many different and interesting sections. We do have some similarities. For example, some of us are water pieces. But we're also pieces where the boat meets the water, where the ducks are swimming, where the water meets the shore, where it meets the horizon, and so on.
As humans we value our similarities. But somehow many of us try to hide our differences? We should celebrate those differences, or at least be comfortable knowing that God has a particular place in His puzzle for us that no one else can fit. That's not an accident. No matter how many people will ever be born you will always be the only piece that looks just like you and fits that spot.
So don't get down on yourself because you're different. And don't stress about where you fit in the puzzle. God knows. "And He saw that it was good."
The commentary I like to read on The Rule of Benedict is St. Benedict's Rule: An Inclusive Translation and Daily Commentary by Judith Sutera, OSB. One of the reflection questions she asks at the end of the last chapter is "If so little of the rule is original to Benedict, why do I think he became so important?" There are a few reasons.
First, as Pope St. Gregory the Great alluded to, he lived everything he wrote in the Rule. This wasn't just someone who studied the Bible and said "Here is my theory on what we should do." He laid out a blueprint for not only how to live as a Christian but as a Christian monk. And it was written from his own experience. He didn't write it and then say, "OK, now let's make this work."
Second, he built in some flexibility into the Rule. Numerous times throughout it he says, "If this doesn't quite work for you chnage it so it does." He didn't advocate wholesale changes for the sake of convenience or because what he wrote was a bit tough to live by. He wanted his monks and the abbots to honor the spirit of the rule but minor points were negotiable. For example, in Chapter 18 (The Order of the Psalmody) he says that if anyone finds the distribution of the psalms unsatisfactory they can arrange it how they like. But he goes on to emphasize that the whole 150 psalms must be said every week.
This flexibility keeps the Rule alive and relevant to this day, much in the same way the people who wrote the Constitution built in a way to make changes through amendments. The Rule isn't stuck in the 6th century, a quaint relic of a time long past.
Third, as St. Benedict himself said in the last chapter this rule is only a beginning. It's a modest rule written for beginners. In modern terms this would be Monasticism 101. He points the way to Monasticism 201 but leaves it up to the reader to find that course for themselves with God's help.
Fourth, although I haven't read the Rule in Latin (and couldn't anyway) St. Benedict wrote the Rule to be understandable by everybody. He doesn't use some hard to grasp ideas. Anyone can read the Rule and know what he's talking about. And yet it's not like a standard textbook where you read it through a few times to memorize more facts. Each time you read it you find something in it that speaks to you that didn't before. It's something you can read over and over again and learn from.
N-theory, which is a superset of superstring theory, says that the universe is 11 dimensional. At least two of those dimensions are time. Think about the implications of that.
We are only aware of four dimensions, including one of time. And we can only experience time in one direction. Since God made all eleven dimensions He can freely move in all of them. At the very least this explains how God can be everywhere everywhen.
We can't even imagine what those other seven dimensions are like or how they work. Imagine a two dimensional being. They can draw six squares that are conected but because they don't experience the third dimension they can't put them together to form a cube. Similarly, we can take cubes and connect them but because we don't experience another dimension we can't know how to assemble them into a tesseract. But God can.
We were taught that with God all things are possible. (I'm not sure there's a verse in the Bible that talks about that in the way we mean it but there are a few verses that get the point across.) And no wonder. He exeriences a freedom totally unlike ours. He can do things we can't even imagine.
Does this also explain where Heaven and Hell are? Could they be right here but hidden from us because we are only four dimensional beings? We look up to Heaven and down to Hell. Could those directions simply be God trying to explain a higher dimension to us?
And what about our spirit? We know that survives the physical death of the body. Is that when we become aware of all eleven dimensions?
Right now we're taking baby steps in our understanding of higher dimensions. It could be that God doesn't want us to be able to fully understand them. But we know they exist. And just that knowledge gives us even more reason to be in awe of Him.
How many times in our lives when we come to a personal Red Sea do we expect God to part it for us? We pray for Him to help us in our hour of need and then sit back and wait for somethig to happen. Very often He provides a rowboat to cross the sea.
When a friend, family member, or neighbor shows up and essentially or literally says, "I though you might...", that could very well be God working through them. "I'm going to the store. Do you want to go?" And it might not be shopping that He has in mind for you. Maybe it's the conversation on the way to or back from the store. Maybe it's something that is going to happen at the store. Don't dismiss the offer just because it's not the parting of the Red Sea.
I'm reminded of the old joke about the woman caught in a flood. A rowboat, a motorboat, and a Coast Guard ship come by. The people in them offer her a seat to take her to safety. She declines saying, "No thank you. The Lord will provide. Save the seat for someone who needs it." Eventually she drowns and goes to Heaven. When she angrily asks God why He didn't provide He answers, "I sent three boats."
Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Read the whole Psalm. It starts off talking about how "God is our refuge and our strength." (Psalm 46:1). It also talks about God putting an end to wars. Those wars include the personal struggles we face. And we will face them.
Even David had his troubles. Psalm 22:16 says "Dogs surround me, a pack of villains encircles me; they pierce my hands and my feet." David starts off by lamenting that God has forsaken him. But did He really, or was David unable to see what God was doing in his life? The evildoers were encircling him but they didn't kill him. God may not have put a pillar of cloud or fire between David and his enemies but He still held them at bay. Yes they pierces David's hands and his feet but they didn't damage anything vital.
Sometimes it's not until the end of our trouble that we see how God worked in our lives. He likes to work quietly and often through others. We may not recognize the rowboat at that time. But that voice inside that says, "Yeah, OK" to an invitation is often all the confirmation we need that God is about to do something.
So be open to the rowboats God sends in our lives. They're part of His plan too.